Today it took far too much energy for me to keep my mouth shut. The EA has been telling me that she doesn't know how I'm doing it. How I'm just taking all the crap and not letting it bother me. I didn't have an answer until today. In part two of a speech I won't repeat because it gets me riled up whenever I do, I was told that I don't micromanage enough. That's when it clicked.
I worked for two and a half years under an even more extreme micromanager. Who would have thought that a job that ended so badly (for me) would have trained me for this placement. If my mother was awake, she would tell me that my guardian angel is hard at work as usual. Seriously, that poor guy/girl needs a holiday.
I've gotten used to being in trouble for something every day of this placement. Sometimes it's valid. Other times it's so stupid my eyes glaze over and I count how many times I can scream "shut up" in my head until the talking stops. Being criticized for not micromanaging? Yeah, that's a compliment. I'm not a micromanager nor do I ever want to be. I have better things to do with my energy and my time. I'd rather spend my time looking for interesting resources for my class than hounding and nagging my kids to the point where they hate coming to school. I don't think there's a single positive to being a micromanager. You just succeed in putting everyone on edge and pissing everyone off. Edgy, pissed off people aren't productive.
There were however a few shining moments that made today bearable.
- The kids being upset and disbelieving that tomorrow is my last day. And if I'm being honest, even though I'm miserable, I feel bad leaving them. While my report may say that I'm not a good teacher, I'll know better because of the kids' reactions. Knowing I did my job well is is all I really need to know.
- The EA had a terrible migraine (not the good part) and was high on Advil. She was pretty friggin' funny.
- An extended venting session with my father, mother and cat all sitting on the couch staring at me.
- An Iced Cap and a Maple Shortbread cookie shared with my father while going through the carwash. Yes, we were in a car. We aren't THAT random.
Oddly enough, when I first arrived at this placement, I was told that good or bad, all experiences teach us something. I think it's safe to say that I learned more about myself as a teacher at this placement than the last one. It's not until you can't be yourself that you realize who you actually are. Strange isn't it?
Anyway, one day left. I predict it's going to be difficult at best.